Emo Philips
Emo1 Philips merits his own page.
- You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman — stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- In our school you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
- I think my ex-wife had weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much she charged him.
- I ran three miles today, and finally I said, 'Lady take your purse.'
- Have you ever had one of those days when you had to murder a loved one because he is the devil?
- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- The police officer told me to walk in a straight line. And when I had finished he said, "You call that a straight line?" I shouldn't have, but I replied "The closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they ever do an electroencephalogram of your brainwave."
- My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
- I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
- My teacher was by and large.... but anyway.
- I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- My parents warned me never to open the cellar door or I would see things I shouldn't see. So one day when they were out I did open the cellar door and I did see things I shouldn't see — grass, flowers, the sun...
- My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
- I was sitting in a bar nursing a drink and my nipples were getting very soggy.
- I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
- I like to play chess with old men in the park. The hard part is finding 32 of them.
- I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family — so that's good for my sex life.
- I have a sign on my fence which says: "Salesmen always welcome. Dog food is expensive".
- How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
- My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- So.... there I was at the Wailing Wall. Like an idiot. With my harpoon.
- The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
- Running through the park I had a bad asthmatic attack — three asthmatics jumped me. It was my own fault — I should have heard them hiding.
- The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
- When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I walked past a building site and a workman using a hammer called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.
- I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
- I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.
- I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
- When I was 10 I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
- I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit 'em
- My girlfriend left me because I didn't open the car door for her. I just climbed through the window and swam to the surface.
- Some friends of mine went on vacation and sent me a postcard. It was a picture of the Earth taken from space. It said 'Wish you were here'.
These last two were collected by my chum Tom from an Edinburgh Fringe show in 2001