2007 — Preparing to say farewell

I'm desperately sorry to have to tell you that, according to the latest CT scan, Christa's chemo-therapy has had virtually no effect on these damnable tumours. She is therefore now being given a three-week course of radiation therapy (X-rays) whose purpose is to shrink the tumour lumps, to improve the pain and symptoms and — as the consultant puts it — to prolong survival. This is in no sense a cure, I fear, but if it produces a worthwhile decrease in Christa's almost constant pain we shall both be very pleased and relieved.

But as the radiation has also (so far) actually had the effect of increasing her level of pain, as we were warned it might, the poor girl is now necessarily on a still higher level of morphine which is making her rather woozy and often mentally confused. But, with other adjustments to her ever more impressive list of meds, she is sleeping somewhat better through the nights (which has a direct impact on my own sleep, of course).

This really is a most desperately sad situation, and I simply do not know how long it will continue. But I'm afraid that without a miracle we are almost certain of the eventual outcome. We are shedding many a tear between us, believe me, mostly of simple sadness and melancholy. We have no regrets, and love each other most dearly. This is just not what we were looking forward to in our retirement. Peter is with us again this weekend, which is a comfort. He's a wonderful young man of whom we are immensely proud.

I am, generally speaking, absolutely exhausted by the end of each day, but I'm doing the best I can to "hang in there" and "remain strong" and "look after myself", as various people put it. This is, by a very very long way, the hardest thing I have ever undertaken — they actually call it a cancer journey, if you please. Well, I've never been all that keen on travel, and not to this destination!

It is very hard to take things one day at a time, but to do otherwise threatens my sanity as I find myself contemplating a very bleak future without the girl I love.

I'm sorry, Mum, but I honestly don't think I can bring myself to write any more for a while. I'll phone you from time to time, but mostly we just want peace and quiet while Mother Nature takes her back.

Me